It is common knowledge that how a child “turns out” has both to do with genetics and their upbringing. Their environment plays a vital role in shaping their world-view, their perceptions towards themselves and the situations they encounter.
It is similar to planting an apple tree and choosing to water and nourish it, or letting it wither and struggle against the demands of the environment. The seed of an apple tree is bound to grow into a sturdy apple tree because there’s nothing else it can become– however, that is only possible if it is looked after. It thus blossoms into its full potential. In the same breath, it is important to realize that the seed can only metamorphose into an apple tree, not an orange tree or a grapevine.
So, nurturing your child by prioritizing their individualism is the key, not comparing them to their fellow “competitors”. This is achieved through an unconditional positive regard and an undying support that is balanced– by being realistic towards their shortcomings but primarily focusing upon and celebrating their strengths. By doing that, you are encouraging their growth instead of augmenting their “weaknesses” or instilling in them a fear of failure.
There is no handbook for perfect parenting because perhaps the concept really doesn’t really exist in realistic terms. However, the path to raising self-sufficient and confident children is fairly simple.
By believing in them, you teach them how to believe in themselves so they aren’t constantly looking for external validation and aren’t afraid of facing life. As primary caregivers, parents impact their child’s beliefs about the world, about themselves and about other people. If these beliefs are relatively positive, it will instill a sense of desire and healthy ambition within them.
However, if at the core of these beliefs lie mistrust, shame, self-doubt, guilt, inferiority, identity confusion and isolation or neglect– it is inevitable that the child will grow up to be fearful. This fear spills into domains like intimacy, creativity, and intelligence.. Much like Erik Erikson, the German-American psychoanalyst contended.
Much of the parenting phenomenon stretches along a continuum. On one end lies enmeshment, or what we call “helicopter parenting” and on the other stark end lies neglect. Neither contributes towards the healthy development of the child’s personality and integrity.
One of the most crucial ways through which children learn about the good and the bad, and the right and the wrong is through modeling the behaviors of adults who raise them. Naturally, one way to make sure you are raising children who have a strong sense of self and are capable of navigating the confusions and conflicts of adult life is by being responsible yourself. That is essentially achieved by ensuring that your actions match your words and that you follow those virtues that you want to instill in your young one.
Evidently, it is not rocket science. The more you align with your true self, the more your child will respect you for that and envision that for themself.
Also make it a point to avoid harsh-criticism and instead, replace it with constructive advice. Never– and I mean never– forget to praise your child for their efforts. That is how their self-esteem develops like the sturdy trunk of a tree. Allow them to make their own decisions and guide them whenever necessary– this boosts autonomy and independence. Note that both hyper-independence and hyper-dependence are symptoms of fearful, anxious or avoidant attachment with the parent. A perfectly balanced child will confidently make decisions that concern their personal life and will not hesitate to ask for help when needed.
Tips to Enhance Confidence:
- Feed their curiosity and support their interests and hobbies.
- Be a good listener and encourage open communication.
- Reframe your idea of “failure” and always prioritize the depth of experiences.
- Motivate them to try out new things.
- Allow them to chip in when you need help.
- Teach them how to regulate their emotions so that they develop resilience and patience.
- Encourage them to do their best.
- Prioritize learning over “achieving”.
And that’s broadly on how to raise confident kids. The bottom line is that you, a parent, will have to put in the internal work to cultivate responsible and sustainable parenting habits. Remember to be very mindful of how you talk not just to your children but also to yourself.
“Life is not easy for any of us. But what of that? We must have perseverance and above all confidence in ourselves. We must believe that we are gifted for something and that this thing must be attained.”
– Marie Curie